Amira's World

 Wednesday // 12:57pm It's been almost a month since I lost myself. I've never been this heartbroken and sad before. This just shows how much I care for that person I call 'my home'. With all my heart, I still wish the best for you despite not being able to see it with my own eyes- I leave that to God. I let Him take care of you through my prayers. At this point, I'm still trying to digest all the things that happened and letting go the things that hurt me. Hard but I have to do this and not give up.  Besides than healing and moving on from this, I just want to mention how mysterious life works. I met someone while all of this was happening. Funny, how I get comfortable with him so easily (lowkey the other side of me thought this sucks lol) but sad how I feel this 'comfort' I'm feeling is slowly fading. Somehow I never regret knowing you, I believe God sent you to me for a reason- to show that good people still exist. Well, I try to take it that way haha...

8:52pm // Tuesday I got dumped by my own best friend exactly 5 days ago. It sucks knowing that you're facing the same thing, twice- for the same reason. I've never felt this numb before, I feel useless and unworthy too. Where did I go wrong? Don't I deserve love and being appreciated by anyone? It's always I'm the one who is left alone and not I was the one leaving. It has been many times since I felt this way, why? I'm honestly very tired and I don't know who I can rely to. I feel hopeless for not being able to express the hurt I'm feeling. I feel so crushed inside. It's always the ones that I trust and love the most that disappoints me. Why? What's even wrong with me? I really thought I've tried my very best to be there for everyone. It seems unbelievable to me for people to do this to me. I rarely care so much for people and it sucks that these are the ones who hurt me big time. I feel dumb for still crying up until today, I should have fo...

12:40pm // Thursday I wish I would never experience the feeling I felt 2 years ago again but today says the opposite of it. It didn't as painful as before, all because I decided to back off earlier this time and he clearly shows no effort. I just thought he was different, so I gave him a chance. It didn't take that long, I'm already feeling he's that type that does exactly the things that you explained that has hurt you in the past. Here I am, wondering when would be my turn to feel genuine love. I'm fine with being alone but sometimes I just want to feel being treated right after all the hell I've experienced. 

2.34pm // Tuesday I am still having mixed emotions in me- mad, sad, frustrated, you name it. I hate that I struggle to express what I'm feeling. I know deep inside I truly need help but I just can't seem to reach out to anyone and I would once I feel I am truly damaged inside.  Sad. I am sad thinking of my worth as a person. Sometimes I feel people just took me for granted despite the fact that I struggle every time I let people in. People don't know how much I pushed myself to accept new people in my life. It is hard for me since others do is leave. People even left despite I was at my lowest at that time. I don't know what's wrong with me, but things would always turn that way. I try to remind myself every single time that I am worthy, at least as a human being but sometimes I just doubt it. I am able to prove to myself that what I'm feeling is valid and whatever I'm feeling just makes sense. However, people around me just keeps reminding me how low I am. ...

 7.21am // Friday I woke up super early today for no reason. I thought today would turn to be a normal (lazy/productive) day for but it turned otherwise- I cried for a good 20 mins after lying to one of my friends on why I actually deactivated my main Instagram account. I'm sorry that I lied to you and myself. I truth is I'm still sad about seeing my old circle of friends are fine without me. It kinda sounds toxic, but honestly, I just think it is logical to feel that way- knowing that people you love are capable of being happy without you. Anyway, I'm still happy to see that they are able to find their happiness together even it hurts me. I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated seeing people leave me- especially the ones who left without any explanation. I just feel so betrayed every time I cry on the floor. All I wished for at that time is for God to take all my pain away- including the pain that only He and I knows. I never wanted bad things to happen for 'these...

11.17 // Sunday Just finished some work. I was supposed to study, but I think I need some time to write out what I'm feeling. It's been quite some time since the time I decided to stop by but only today I am capable of doing so. I would consider that I am okay this week physically, but not really mentally. I've been lying to myself this entire week. The truth is I've been over thinking and crying almost every night, unless I have things to do. I've been feeling not really well- feeling lightheaded for almost a week. The thoughts that I've been experiencing this past week was simply because of the group of friends that clearly does not care about me, about a guy who I considered my best friend freaking left and just me tired of finishing some work plus studying for tests. All I want to do rn is cry because words can never make me feel better.