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42/365

 7.21am // Friday

I woke up super early today for no reason. I thought today would turn to be a normal (lazy/productive) day for but it turned otherwise- I cried for a good 20 mins after lying to one of my friends on why I actually deactivated my main Instagram account. I'm sorry that I lied to you and myself. I truth is I'm still sad about seeing my old circle of friends are fine without me. It kinda sounds toxic, but honestly, I just think it is logical to feel that way- knowing that people you love are capable of being happy without you. Anyway, I'm still happy to see that they are able to find their happiness together even it hurts me. I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated seeing people leave me- especially the ones who left without any explanation. I just feel so betrayed every time I cry on the floor. All I wished for at that time is for God to take all my pain away- including the pain that only He and I knows. I never wanted bad things to happen for 'these' people, despite all the trauma they give me. I still prayed to God to protect and care for you even if you hurt me. Literally, I prayed for you to not feel the betrayal that I felt while I'm crying after being betrayed by you- that's how much I love you. 

I may sound dumb for still 'berbaik sangka' with you, but it's because I just genuinely love you. Maybe, I'm just too good for you. I never wanted to leave you, but I just think this is the best for me. I will never stop praying to God to protect you in any way since I am unable to care for you because we're definitely going our own ways. At this point, idk how much time I would take to heal and I'm sure it may take quite some time but I know I can. It sucks to cry an ocean for the hurt inside me that never wanted to leave even I cried my heart out while I repeat the word "sakit... sakit..." while I rub my chest and hold my shoulders- as much as I want someone to do that to me which I don't think that would happen. It's hard for me to be vulnerable in front of people, maybe because I just don't like that kind of attention towards me or may be due to not being able to feel safe around people after what 'these' people have done to me. I really want to trust people since I want people to make me their safe place too, but I just can't do that despite I tried my best to give a bit space for these people. Anyway, let's wish more good things are coming my way. I forgive myself for crying so much and acknowledging the paint that I've been enduring for quite some time, for all the 'fake smiles' I made to make sure I look fine in public. This is just a phase and I know I'll make it.

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