20/365

This is the beginning of every thought that I have once in a while and does not need any title for it.

At this moment, I feel very tired and overwhelmed. Maybe I slept with a heavy heart while crying and praying to God, please let me sleep so that I don't have to think this much. This week has been draining me emotionally, idk why. I feel unmotivated to finish my work, I mean it's done, but it still requires a little touch up here and there. As much as I understand about myself, not being able to do that would equal to "you're weak" and "what's wrong with you?" and also "you need to do something". All of this is to make sure I feel good about myself, despite people around me, reminding me that I'm doing fine. My friends obviously are going through the same feeling as me, unmotivated. Besides that, I've been pushing myself to not look too unmotivated and make myself look fine in front of them hence to continue to motivate them since they are unmotivated. Idk but I end up feel drained for doing that as I feel that I absorb their energy into me as well.

Last night tonnes intrusive thoughts came to me. The main one was "am I worthy enough?". I felt so alone last night. As usual, I prefer holding to myself in this situation- preparing myself in case I have no one in the future to comfort me :) I hugged myself super tight and wiped my own tears- praying and hoping God to take away all these pain. The pain of losing someone you love, the pain of betrayal, the pain of not being listened, the pain of being abandoned and the pain of not getting enough assurance. Hence, here I am ranting whatever I'm feeling rn since idk who I can turn myself to besides than God. I question every single thing about myself without anyone knowing. People would think I'm confident and positive, I'm glad you think that way and never saw how actually I think about everything that happened, especially towards myself. 

At this point, I really hope I would much better. I really hate being in this point- the pitch black point. Not only I can't see the light, I can't even see myself.