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23/365

1.45am // Sunday

I'm currently outside, kinda scared of going back to my room. Scared of overthinking. I have no mood left to do any work, but I'm keeping my eyes open to be able to stay here, outside. I've been thinking a lot lately, idek what triggers me so much lately. It may be because I care so much about the people around me and I get anxious if I don't know their update. Simple example to this is that one person that I cherish the most, my best friend (iykyk). He's been silent for quite some time and this worries me. I've been holding myself from texting and worrying about him. One, may be because of my ego and two, he asked me not to respond to his text until he explains what happened? Another fact that makes me kinda sad is that a special person to me does not even wish a 'Happy Birthday' on my special day :,) Nevertheless, I just think I'm not important to some people and as much as it hurts me- because care for them so much, I have to accept that. Loving someone sincerely sometimes won't promise you anything. Not only that, it may hurt you so much that you feel it's a waste of time to be nice and care for people. I hope no one does this to you. As much as I hate what's happening between us, I can't deny the fact that I still love you as a friend. You may not know this, but I hope you get all the happiness and all the things you wish for. I pray that you won't feel what I'm feeling rn. I hope life treats you as easy as it can and I pray nothing but the best for you. I'm sorry if I'm not a nice friend to you, I hope you find someone better :)

Besides that, I'm currently confused with keeping my boundaries and feeding my ego. I hate to hurt others but sometimes I'm just scared that people would hurt me first. Hence, I would always hurt others first. Honestly, I don't think I can take any 'hurt' anymore. I'm so damaged inside and I don't know how much I can handle until I become insane :,) Let's hope I won't turn like that lol. At this moment, I am confused on what stance should I take with this one particular person; F. I just feel like hating him because of the mix emotions I feel whenever I'm around him but deep inside I don't have the heart to do so. As harsh as I can be, I would always try not to do that to him or anyone. I really hope time would tell me where am I supposed to stand and what I should feel, soon. I really think that I shouldn't give him a chance, even as friends. He was not comfortable of me not hiding the fact that we're talking. Yes, for the second time, with the person with the same initial :,) It's sad because I feel like I'm not welcomed but we can never force someone. I have to accept this fact slowly even if it hurts, as long as these people are happy. How am I suppose to do it? Let's just let time decide on that lol, I honestly don't know how. Anyway, I'm already feeling tired and sleepy and I guess I should rest. Hoping the next week would be a good one, despite having so many submissions on the way lmao. 

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