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53/365

2.34pm // Tuesday

I am still having mixed emotions in me- mad, sad, frustrated, you name it. I hate that I struggle to express what I'm feeling. I know deep inside I truly need help but I just can't seem to reach out to anyone and I would once I feel I am truly damaged inside. 

Sad. I am sad thinking of my worth as a person. Sometimes I feel people just took me for granted despite the fact that I struggle every time I let people in. People don't know how much I pushed myself to accept new people in my life. It is hard for me since others do is leave. People even left despite I was at my lowest at that time. I don't know what's wrong with me, but things would always turn that way. I try to remind myself every single time that I am worthy, at least as a human being but sometimes I just doubt it. I am able to prove to myself that what I'm feeling is valid and whatever I'm feeling just makes sense. However, people around me just keeps reminding me how low I am. 

Mad. I am mad knowing that my worth is somewhere above the minimum bar, but people keep doing it as something petty. For me, it is never hard to respect others barrier in anything. Somehow I get upset seeing these people being happy despite I'm sad as if my sadness and emotions are nothing to you. I know, I shouldn't have felt that way, but it is what it is. I am sometimes mad towards myself for still being mad about the past. I would sometimes push myself to forgive, but never forget. The truth is, forgiving is never easy and I learned that sometimes you don't have to forgive them just for the sake of gaining peace. I've been suppressing my emotions from being seen, just for the sake of avoiding people to use it against me one day. It once happened and I'm trying my best to not show it again. 

Frustrated, simply because the ones who left are usually the ones who knew what I would feel when they leave. They know it, but they did it anyway. It sucks letting it happen, but it just seems too low for me to stop them from doing so. It hurts, but also quite fascinating to watch people doing the things that look dumb for you with no hesitation. 

Sometimes, I just hate myself for feeling these emotions. It's simply because I'm really bad at sorting it inside of me. That simply shows that I am also bad at getting rid of it. The least I can do is to pray to God to take it away from me, that's how bad I'm handling it. I even can't express it to anyone, all because of the trust issues that I'm having. I might have a few friends that I can reach out to, but I just get scared every time doing so. It's hard to not blame yourself every time you feel some type of feeling especially when everyone seems fine and you're the only one that seems problematic. All I want right now is peace. 

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