Skip to main content

Tired

Hello :)

Just wanted to drop by and vent it out all here. Its 27th of December 2021, only a couple of days until we reach 2022. I would like to leave this feeling behind, let it stay in 2021.

2021 has been hectic and a roller coaster all at once, specifically December. Yesterday- 26/12/2021 was a mess. I experienced tonnes of negative emotions. Be it sad, frustrating, confused, mad and sick. Despite that I'm not fully healed and recovered from my 'other friend group' incident, it was pretty hard for me to cope with any conflict especially when it is related to friendships.

I am currently still confused to let new people into my life all because of trust issues, whether I am keeping the right people in my life rn and am I strong enough to face more challenges in the future- with or without the ones I care. Basically what happened yesterday was I started to question the things I do with this one particular person, idk if I am able to allow him being in my life- like what if I fcked up once again this time?, what if he would leave like the first person I'm in love with?, would I be fine feeling like this or should I give a shot? or I am just too scared to risk anything anymore because idk if I can take any goodbyes anymore. Idk if this is already considered as overthinking or not but this are my thoughts every single day. Living with no assurance for me is surely frustrating. Too much of being left with no explanation makes me value my worth as a person, belum lagi as a close friend or being someone special to that person. This week is nothing but myself questioning my worth from others pov- am I good enough for people or people je just can't see my worth? Then, I was asked by this one person that I never knew personally to find someone else to rant to too yesterday :) In the midst of having tonnes of questions in my head, an unknown person asked me to not talk to his partner (my best friend)? Honestly, if I was insane yesterday, I wouldn't know what has happened to me. I just lost a number of people that I care and the audacity for me to receive such statement? So tell me, make sense kan why I question my worth as a human being :,) With that being said, I started to overthink and I can sense that I'm starting to push people away just because I'm tired. It does not end there, I start blaming myself for being treated and feeling this way- maybe I'm the one with issues, I should have get my shit together, this all my fault for feeling this way because everyone seems fine and no one sees this as an issue. I honestly don't know. I pray to Allah every day to take this pain away along with the things I never said to anyone, please let me be in peace and let me be happy. I am sure that I would be so happy in the future and it's just a matter of time :)

I feel bad to start 2022 with a heavy heart. Thus, I choose to grief before 2021 ends. I hope this few days would help me let go and forgive everything that happened to me this year or even the previous years. I want to focus on myself- to become someone useful for the society. Anyway, I pledge to become a organ donor 2 days ago :) This a present from myself to myself for my 22nd birthday! This has somehow give me the comfort to keep going and be the best at least for myself. Even I'm not good enough for the ones close to me, I hope I am good enough for the ones I never knew. All I want rn is to be good to myself and contribute to the world all the good things that I can offer. I know things has been shitty this month but I still can see the light in all of this. I am so grateful that I am still able to comfort myself and do the things I wish to do at least once in my life. I hope there's more I can achieve in 2022 and insyaallah in the future. Lastly, I am okay and I am going to be okay :)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

20/365

This is the beginning of every thought that I have once in a while and does not need any title for it. At this moment, I feel very tired and overwhelmed. Maybe I slept with a heavy heart while crying and praying to God, please let me sleep so that I don't have to think this much. This week has been draining me emotionally, idk why. I feel unmotivated to finish my work, I mean it's done, but it still requires a little touch up here and there. As much as I understand about myself, not being able to do that would equal to "you're weak" and "what's wrong with you?" and also "you need to do something". All of this is to make sure I feel good about myself, despite people around me, reminding me that I'm doing fine. My friends obviously are going through the same feeling as me, unmotivated. Besides that, I've been pushing myself to not look too unmotivated and make myself look fine in front of them hence to continue to motivate them since ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Just Thoughts

Hello, I hope anyone who reads this is in the pink.  I decided to drop by and curahkan my thoughts here since I'm trying my best to not suppress my feelings atm. It is because overthinking these days might drain me and it might not be good for me because I'm honestly in the mood for everything- sementara semester break and also sementara I have the motivation to do anything I want lol. Idk if you guys find it weird or you guys perasan ke tak yang I tend to rantttttt then suddenly I came out with something good to sedapkan hati sendiri hahaha! Basically, that's just how I make myself feel better and that's also the reason why I'm really good at keeping everything to myself lol. Soooo here's goes my rant.... Firstly, I would like to say that I'm so grateful for being blessed with good friends- I have not really good friends, but I'm still grateful for their existence since they really taught me a lot. As much as I love my family, that is also how much I lo...
Post a Comment
Read more

144/365

8:52pm // Tuesday I got dumped by my own best friend exactly 5 days ago. It sucks knowing that you're facing the same thing, twice- for the same reason. I've never felt this numb before, I feel useless and unworthy too. Where did I go wrong? Don't I deserve love and being appreciated by anyone? It's always I'm the one who is left alone and not I was the one leaving. It has been many times since I felt this way, why? I'm honestly very tired and I don't know who I can rely to. I feel hopeless for not being able to express the hurt I'm feeling. I feel so crushed inside. It's always the ones that I trust and love the most that disappoints me. Why? What's even wrong with me? I really thought I've tried my very best to be there for everyone. It seems unbelievable to me for people to do this to me. I rarely care so much for people and it sucks that these are the ones who hurt me big time. I feel dumb for still crying up until today, I should have fo...
Post a Comment
Read more